Until I ran out of iron.

Eyes wide shut
I was wondering why neither yoga, meditation, naps nor coffee could get me through the day with my eyes open. A simple blood test gave me the answer: not enough iron.

No matter that I had given up vegetarianism to supply my baby with the meat s/he seems to crave, I still did not get enough iron. This is very common for pregnant women, as we pass on nutrients from our own blood to that or our children. And the reason why we take iron tablets.

So, I confess, I had not been taken the iron supplement regularly. Because they make me anything else but ‘regular’. But I did not know you could get THAT tired.

Coffee – bad idea
Ironically enough, the more tired I got, the more important my one-cup-a-day coffee became. However, the more coffee you drink, the less iron the body can absobe, as my dear mother the dietitian explained. So I tried to cut out the coffee and instead I added more C-vitamin to my diet, to support iron absorbtion.

But the short term sugar rush I got from C-vitamin rich orange juice just picked me up to let me crash down brutally in a little while.  Luckily, the non-constipational  iron supplements that my doctor prescribed a week ago are finally kicking in.

I feel how I am coming back to life again.

Dear Child,
Feel free to help yourself to as much nutrients as you need from my body. I will take better care to have enough for the both of us from now on.

I just learned that my baby is 16,5 cm. I must admit that I have not exactly grown in proportion to those tiny cm. My belly has really popped out, my hips are soft and round and so are my boobs. Even my back seems to be widening. -So me growing is no news to the world.

But there is something more subtle that is also growing, expanding deep inside of me.

I think that pregnancy for any woman is a time in life where the wonders of creation become so intimate and obvious that we can not help but taking a spiritual perspective of our lives.

As I have said before, my prenatal students tend to be very receptive to the more spiritual or philosophical teachings of yoga. Of course some come for the exercise alone, but no matter if they are on a spiritual quest or not, as they progress in their pregnancy, I can see them getting adorned with a subtle glow, a softness that deepens in rhythm with their babies’ growth.

I interpret this as being a result of surrendering more and more to the force of the creation.

That surrendered softness opens doors to a beautiful internal, effortless growing process. Of growing acceptance. Of growing into the role of motherhood. Of growing unconditional  love.

Dear child,
Thank you for inspiring me to grow too, from the inside out.

This feeling is not just thanks to the monsoon, showering us with its blessings of life-giving water. I experience the water element on a more subtle level.

Five elements
Yogic theory says that we, just like nature, are made up by the five elements earth, water, fire, air, space/sky. At any given time one or a few of these elements dominate our constitution. The different elements carry different qualities that in turn are expressed in us. Yoga, being a tool for self study, beautifully teaches us how to use the labels of these elements to gain better self awareness.

Feeling watery
Right now I am feeling rather watery. We say that the water elements is of a flowing kind, life giving, adaptable to circumstances that evens out irregularities.

Coming from a very fiery history, I can really enjoy the cooling sensation of the water element. It  helps me to take a step back, to sit more in the passenger seat of my life than I usually do. This goes for most things; from having less of an opinion about news in the papers, to choosing the main course in a restaurant.  Maybe this nature’s way of supporting me in dealing with all the changes I go through?

It is no wonder that I as pregnant  is more watery than usual. I imagine that the physical fact of me carrying extra water for my baby would affect me on many levels. For example, I find my eyes over flow more often that usually. Could I blame the water element for that…?

I suspect that the dominant element will change towards the end of my pregnancy, to become more earthy. We’ll see.

What element is dominant in you at the moment?

Earth – stable, grounded, heavy, static
Water – flowing, adaptable, reflective liquid, clear, assimilating
Fire – hot, light, bright, transformational
Air – mobile, quick, dry
Space/sky – open, unlimited, vast, free, expansive

Credits
My sincere thanks to Patrick Creelman for so graciously clarifying the concepts of elements at the Anusara Yoga Immersion in Hong Kong last week. I am also grateful for my friends, colleagues and great yogis Joung-Ah and Wolfgang for being there when I let it all flow.

Dear Child,
I hope that you are enjoying the ocean of amniotic fluid that has been created for you to safely swim around in. I feel that you are even more adoptable than I am, constantly growing and effortlessly accepting the changes you go through. Let us continue this synchronized swimming in peace!

To me, anniversaries like this are such important reminders for me to really celebrate what my husband and I are. Not just by sending flowers, but also by contemplating love. To contemplate that maybe I actually don’t celebrate love enough, in the midst of everyday life.

A wise doula and friend once passed on some great advice to me. She said: ‘Prioritize family like this:
1) Your partner
2) Your children
3) The rest’
At first, this didn’t make sense to me at all. Why on earth wouldn’t I prioritize my little child first?! But then I had a second thought, and saw how the child would be there and get so much attention without me even thinking about it. Whereas my husband was in the risk zone of getting the left overs of energy at the end of a busy baby day – that is, not a lot.

This is why I dedicate my prenatal class tonight to my husband, and I invite you to join me, honoring your partners, @ the Pilatestudio, 5pm www.pilates.co.th.

Or wherever you are, pretend it’s your anniversary and celebrate, honor and praise your loved partner tonight!

Dear Child,
Ten years ago you were but a sparkle in your dad’s eye. Oh, how I long for the day when I shall see our love reflected in the wells of your eyes.

Time flies

Krungsri Bank in Bangkok has a sign outside their offices saying ‘Time Deposit’. What a wonderful name of a service! I wonder what they would say if went inside and asked to deposit some time. Just a few minutes, to take out the next time I am running late for a meeting. Or maybe even a few weeks of my pregnancy. So that I could take it out later, say when my child is 16 years old, and be reminded of what it was like in the beginning of times.

I wonder, do they only accept present time? Or could I deposit some dear memories, such as first finding out that I was pregnant?

Or maybe they accept the future? Can I draw a perfect scenario of my dream birth and withdraw it from my account as soon as I go into labour? Please, please?

Also, I wonder if they accept foreign time. Would it be possible to deposit six weeks of CEST (Central European Summer Time) to take out and give to my Thai-born expat children so they get to enjoy a proper Swedish holiday?

What time would you deposit?

Dear Child,
I think of you, floating around inside of me in a blissful, timeless state. Sometime I wish that I can freeze time. That I could enjoy this pregnancy forever. But then again, no. -It would get very uncomfortable us both already by the time you turn 10 months.

1) Where do you end and you baby begin?
My dear friend and wise prenatal yoga teacher colleague Joung-Ah was talking to me the other day  about a wonderful meditation that she teaches. It evolves around the question ‘Where do you end and your baby begin?’ and so beautifully embodies the wonder of carrying a baby inside. I am sending thoughts of gratefulness to Joung-Ah, for letting my students and I enjoy this meditation too.

2) Meditation for Pregnancy with Harshada Wagner
A great support for your continuous practice is to listen to a guided mediation at home.  My amazing meditation teacher Harshada Wagner has several guided meditations for connecting with your baby during pregnancy and to visualize birth. Thank you Harshada for bridging gap in space and time by making your meditations downloadable on iTunes Store and here, at amazon.com .

3) Meditations for Pregnancy by Michelle LeClaire O’Neill

Highly recommended

This lovely little book is divided into 36 chapters, one per week, with poems, tips and intention statements. It’s short but oh so sweet and it has truly helped me connect with my babies during both of my pregnancies. Also included is a hypnosis CD to help you prepare for birth. It has been available in the B2S book stores in Bangkok, but I am not sure if it still is (bring the ISBN number: 0740747118). Or check it out here, at amazon.com I am greatly thankful for this constant source of inspiration during pregnancy  and writing.

Dear Child,
I hope that  you enjoy our quiet moments together as much as I do. Can you feel where I begin?

Imagine this takes place inside of me! What happens physically during pregnancy is nothing short of a wonder.

Beyond the physical
But there is also other things that go on, beyond the gross physical level. Things that may be even more thrilling than the most obvious. In my yoga and meditation practice (and teaching) I try to nurture the connection to a more subtle dimension of pregnancy, beyond the physical.

You may choose to call it spiritual or energetic, internal or mental work. It doesn’t matter what name we give it.  Anyways, I aim to go beyond the most obvious. To have  a peek at what may lay beyond my bodily experience. – To encounter something bigger and more fascinating than a sore lower back.

A true wonder
There are so many benefits from this work, especially during these nine months of intense physical changes.  Through this I can find emence power to support me and keep me happy. Even when sleep deprived, forced to the toilet by my compressed bladder several times each night as I am.

By stilling my body and thoughts in meditation, a gateway opens up to an inner source of innate knowledge. And with it comes a trust in myself and that my body can go through even the most challenging times of pregnancy – and birth.  This is a true wonder!

Dear Child,
We can not be any closer than we are right now. You residing inside of me is as close as we will ever be. Physically. What goes on beyond this physical level is so much deeper though and even after you leave my body we will still be part of something bigger, that holds both you and I.

Lucky us pregnant ladies who have the intimate and internal process of pregnancy to draw our attention inside. I see how naturally pregnant women become more aware – and intrigued – about what goes on in their bodies during these nine months of mystical creation. Their great drive to care deeply for their babies also translates to a greater respect and care for themselves and their bodies. In a roundabout way by connecting with our babies we also reconnect with ourselves, and vice versa.

One great way of nurturing and supporting this inward flowing attention and connection is through the practice of yoga. Every week, in my prenatal classes I see how the lawn of my prenatal students seem to soak up every word of teaching, like mama cylinders of curiosity and amazement of their own wonder. The fact that they give themselves the time to really water their lawn like this is such a beautiful gift to themselves and their baby.

Me too, I recently gave my lawn a good soak. My whole soul marveled in the joys of the rainy season brought by the great teachings of Harshada Wagner, Bo Srey and Ellen Saltonstall as they visited the Pilatestudio here in Bangkok for a 5-day Anusara yoga training. I was torn my different duties, like being a present mum, but I granted myself the time and invested five whole days to total care of my own lawn. And never shall I regret it. By honouring myself during these five days I am able to connect with myself on a deeper level – and with my baby.

If we do not tend to our own lawn, where will our children grow?

Dear child,

I hope that you will grow grass in the riches shade of green where you can prosper, jump, play and see how strong your infinite power is. I look forward to introduce you to Auntie Frida, who lives where the grass, in the most beautiful tone of green, reaches high for the sky of never-ending inspiration.

I think we ended up with the Rolls Royce of ultrasound machines. -It was an ultra ultrasound. I had only heard rumors about this machine before and was still very impressed. Especially with its giant wide screen. It is so big that a dear friend’s husband even wished he could come back later and watch football on it…

So there we were, once again a bit nervous, but happy that the day was finally there. The doctor showed us how our dear child was kicking and moving around in there, which was a joy to see. It was very comforting for us that the doctor took great care to explain in detail what his trained eyes could make out of the black and white blur on the screen.

He identified very detailed features, such as the nose bone -and even the nose cartilage. With some will and imagination we were happy to also manage to identify this part of the face, since an underdeveloped nose can be an sign of chromosome changes.

Then we got to hear the heart beat and see how the blood was flowing in the umbilical cord.

We were relieved when the doctor measured the part of the neck which is the most important indicator of chromosome changes and saw that it was nice and thin.

In the end, the doctor showed us the fancy 3D feature of the machine and we got some nice, rather human, pictures of our baby sitting there in my uterus waving at us.

The short of the long is: thumbs up for the baby (and the doctor and fancy equipment).

Dear child,
Great to see you again! I am so happy that you are doing fine in there. You looked so strong that I am sure you will keep on being as healthy throughout the pregnancy -and beyond.

Teaching prenatal yoga to women in the same situation as me, I would like to share more of how yoga can help you stay healthy and happy throughout the nine months of wonder. Therefore, today, on August 1st, this blog changes themes and focuses on yoga and pregnancy.

The posts you find before this date have been written, but kept unpublished until today. Just to be on the safe side.